I never dated in high school and,
while I had some friendships in college, I never “coupled up.” Part of the reason was that I was motivated
to make something of myself, and love and marriage weren’t a part of my plans
until well after college. That I was
poor and didn’t have a car until I was 25 didn’t help me in the pursuit of
love. But, overtime, I began to
understand the inner logic of dating that culminates in the “greasy spoon
test.” (If your date agrees to spend
time with you at a less then posh restaurant, say a Wendys,
you know that she is a keeper.) It was
during my Willow Creek days when I came alive socially.
Girls judge boys on first appearances and on
how well you meet their immediate emotional needs. They are impressed by neatness, cleanliness,
boldness, fun, and affluence, although they may claim that they do not. They don’t care for religion, politics, or
talk about work, although they may claim that they do. (This insight disappointed me as I enjoy
talking about religion, politics, and work.)
It’s always better to end an
undesirable relationship quickly than to let it fester on. An undesirable relationship is when you are
constantly giving more emotionally or in other ways than you are getting. It’s also when she has severe emotional,
financial, or family-related problems.
It never pays to help a woman
with significant problems. These problems
are deep-seated and beyond your capability.
Don’t try to rescue her. Your
love cannot save her. There are times
when you should be a hero, but this is not one of those times.
Avoid fanatics-- someone given to
extremes, be it in politics, religion, or work.
Not all that glistens is gold, and women to the manor born may have
expectations that you can never meet. On
the other hand, a woman from poverty might have other needs or aspirations that
are incompatible with you. While I don’t
think that the income her parents make is an important factor, you should take
that into consideration. How she handles
money is a significant window to her soul.
She should fill some of the gaps in your life, but also at the same time
you would be wise to look for core compatibilities, especially in terms of
values and life goals. She should be
your complement, but not your mirror.
Much of dating is to determine what those
mutual goals are in a casual, non-judgmental way. For example, while I was walking with a woman
through a park, we noticed some kids playing on the slides.
What you see if what you get. If you find yourself arguing with yourself or
trying to justify her behavior, you need to listen to your feelings and trust
yourself. Your intuition is telling you
that she will be trouble with a capital T.
Selflessness is a virtue except when
looking for the one you may marry. It’s
the one time in your life when you must be utterly and ruthlessly selfish. There are few decisions in your life that
will be more important to your happiness and even your sanity. If you find that she has smitten you, you
need to hang on to your senses long enough to ask yourself this key question: Is she
good for me? Only when you can
answer with a strong, clear affirmative should you take your relationship to
the next level.
Know what is negotiable and what isn’t
negotiable. For me, for example, my love
for my cat Rex was non-negotiable, who was a part of my life for a third of my
life. Thus, if
Some girls show a liking for “bad boys”
and may want you to mistreat and dominate them.
Perhaps they like the thrill of being on the edge of violence and the
law. Such people have self-esteem issues
that aren’t healthy to them-- or to you.
My advice is to treat your date like a queen. If she doesn’t want to be treated like a
queen, you can be sure that she will never treat your kids as princes and
princesses. It’s a relationship that is
damned to hell from the beginning.
Look for a kind heart, a strong mind,
character, and love for conversation and children. Look for a woman who neither needs to be on a
pedestal or treated like a doormat, but someone who can be your partner through
richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, for better or for worse for the
rest of your days. For a definition of
the ideal woman, you cannot beat Proverbs 31:10-31. “Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in
her. She will do him good. She considereth a
field and buyeth it; with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
She is not afraid of the snow for her household; for all her household
are clothed in scarlet. She openeth her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law
of kindness. Her children rise up and
call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth
her. Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her own works praise her in the gates.”
But to get the ideal woman, you must
try to be the ideal man. As you date,
reflect on what you have learned, and if the relationship comes to an end that
is not on your terms, don’t despair.
These emotional disappointments are all part of making you a better,
stronger person. Abraham Lincoln once
said that just because a stove burned a cat, it doesn’t mean that a cat will
never try to get warm again. Speaking of
wounded hearts, I recall a ditty that we once used to try to console ourselves:
My heart that broke so
many times
And always in a
different place
Has mended been—as many
times—
Repaired without a
trace
And just because it
looks so new
Your fingers itch to
break it too
I don’t care greatly
if you do—
The next in line has
mending glue.